I started off my January with a bang. I had a windfall of 3 major auditions in short succession. First, I auditioned for the National Spiritual Ensemble, then Washington National Opera, and finally THE Metropolitan Opera. It was surreal, exciting, and exhausting! The best part for me was that I actually had fun!

Auditioning is a death knell to my confidence.

No matter how much I love performing or the experience of singing (by the way: singing feels awesome. You should try it!) It does not stop the litany of negative thoughts that flood my mind the minute performing turns from authentic self-expression to being judged by a panel of individuals critiquing my craftsmanship as a performing artist. 😮‍💨

For me, there is nothing scarier than performing in front of hiring managers, agents, or established singers, and praying they like what I’ve spent countless hours refining. Afterwards, I usually spin with insecurity, questioning if I’m good enough. Ugh, it’s emotionally exhausting.

I love performing but auditions are not a performance.

To me, it’s a job interview that can be as subjective as deciding what color blue goes better with your skin color. Art is personal and each person likes different things. You can imagine how difficult it is to face the reality that someone just doesn’t like your “shade of blue”. Judgement feels personal because my voice is essentially a reflection of who I am as a person. Furthermore, there is an aspect of the operatic community that I cannot stand. I’m talking about out a toxicity that seems to thrive in the operatic community and possibly in all music genres.

In my experience, teachers, vocal coaches, and fellow colleagues can be thieves to other people’s creative growth. One of my most traumatic experiences was with a very famous opera singer turned infamous voice teacher at Westminster Choir College. Man, was she a piece of work! Every week I’d show up for my voice lesson eager to understand how to channel my natural singing ability into a classically trained opera singer. I spent four years doing everything I could to please this woman only to be met with her judgmental teaching style that was littered with a covert toxicity shrouded in smiles and false encouragement. I don’t believe she had any vision for my advancement as a singer. I believe I was just a paycheck for her.

After graduating from college I continued with a private voice lesson with the same teacher in her home studio. I’ll never forget the day as it was my last lesson with her. She was instructing me through a vocal exercise and I was struggling because even after four years of study I still struggled to sing consistent high notes. She had me repeat the vocal exercise again and again. With each failed attempt to sustain or sing high notes her frustration grew. Eventually, she got so frustrated that she barked,

She unceremoniously kicked me out of her home and I did quit singing all together. I didn’t sing for about 2-3 years because of her singular opinion. I spent four years being the butt of this woman’s frustration and I graduated from my degree program broken and voiceless. Unlike my colleagues who were auditioning for Master’s degree programs, or voice competitions, or church jobs I was on the sidelines trying to make sense of what’s next for me. That teacher might still be teaching and performing today but I learned very quickly that there are countless teachers, vocal coaches, and fellow performers just like her who pray on the weaknesses of others.

So how did I go from quitting singing all together to auditioning at the Metropolitan Opera?

I gave up seeking other people’s approval and started down a path to cultivating what it means to believe in myself. I studied with teachers aligned with supporting my growth. I expanded my community to include people who valued me for me. I replaced feeling sorry for myself with a disciplined approach to practice and career study. I went to therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. I read/watch/listened to every and anything on self improvement as an artist and a person. Essentially, I grew up and founded a village of loving people to support me through the highs and the lows. It took me at least 14 years to move those pieces into place. Auditioning can still make my knees knock, my breath short, and produce sweat in areas I didn’t know sweat could be produced. But I believe in myself more today because I’ve put in the work to heal the insecurities and self doubt, not just as a singer but as a whole and complete person who trusts herself. At this stage of my career I find nervous in auditions happen less often because I choose to be more grounded in believing I have value to offer.

Auditioning for the Metropolitan Opera and having fun while doing it was a HUGE achievement. It’s huge not only because the Met Opera is one of the most prestigious theaters in the world but because I was a Woman. In. Total. Control of. Herself. Instead of hearing the the seeds of doubt, I could only hear gratitude to share my gift. It’s not always 100% but it’s so much better than 0%

Fingers crossed I get hired to be on that hallowed stage but until then I’m more grounded in the value I have to offer rather than the opinion of others. From there, I can share music from a place of authenticity. In turn, auditioning feel less like an exercise in judgement and more of a performance where I get to shine my light from my heart to yours.

Cheers 💛